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Old 01-19-2020, 08:31 AM   #861
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.... just great......

......some asshole stole my pen!'
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Old 01-19-2020, 09:22 AM   #862
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A Navy Chief patient just recovered heart surgery and He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed.

An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean”

The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”

The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly the man moaned and made a mess on the nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know ‘Are my tests results back?’”
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Old 01-22-2020, 08:27 PM   #863
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"Bill, I have a plan to win back middle America in 2020!”

"Great Hillary, but how?" asked Bill.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle-class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard-working people living there.”

They did that and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

"Heck no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador retriever In here with two assholes!"
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Old 03-18-2020, 12:10 AM   #864
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His name was Bubba, he was from Breaux Bridge Louisiana. He needed a loan. So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Boudin Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cajun handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Cajun produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cajun from Breaux Bridge for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cajun returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from the University of Louisiana, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Cajuns y'all.

Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid !!!


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Old 03-18-2020, 12:16 PM   #865
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This Corona Virus 19 thing is getting out of hand.

It can be easily mitigated through testing though.

The government has announced it will test you for free.

I'm expecting everyone to do their duty and expect everyone's full 100% cooperation.

Please send a large stool sample to:

Nancy Pelosi
1236 Longworth H.O.B.
Washington, D.C. 20515
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Last edited by LARMGUY; 03-18-2020 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 03-18-2020, 01:18 PM   #866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LARMGUY View Post
This Corona Virus 19 thing is getting out of hand.

It can be easily mitigated through testing though.

The government has announced it will test you for free.

I'm expecting everyone to do their duty and expect everyone's full 100% cooperation.

Please send a large stool sample to:

Nancy Pelosi
1236 Longworth H.O.B.
Washington, D.C. 20515
you will never be able to send her a bigger turn than she has to deal with in the senate.
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Old 03-18-2020, 08:53 PM   #867
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Nancy is a large stool sample herself.
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Old 03-18-2020, 08:56 PM   #868
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Quote:
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you will never be able to send her a bigger turn than she has to deal with in the senate.



Chuckie Schumer is as big a stool specimen as they come

Last edited by Norcal; 03-18-2020 at 10:53 PM.
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Old 03-20-2020, 10:03 AM   #869
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Ha!
Ha!
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Old 03-20-2020, 08:18 PM   #870
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The husband and wife interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist.

Her:"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any anesthesia because we're in a
a hurry. So just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

Dentist: "Very courageous! Which tooth is it?"

The woman turns to her husband: "Show him the tooth, dear!"
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Old 03-20-2020, 09:03 PM   #871
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This just in:

ISIS has suspended all terrorist activity in Europe due to COVID 19.

Guess things are tough all over.
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Old 03-29-2020, 12:31 PM   #872
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing,"
it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint
and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that
I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells
me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like
a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns
you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.
We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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Old 03-29-2020, 03:02 PM   #873
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That was entertaining. Made my day. I was reading it to my wife. She rolled her eyes and is now doing laundry!
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Old 03-29-2020, 04:58 PM   #874
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. . . . .
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Old 03-29-2020, 07:33 PM   #875
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Quote:
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That was entertaining. Made my day. I was reading it to my wife. She rolled her eyes and is now doing laundry!

And not even a like from you
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Old 03-29-2020, 07:47 PM   #876
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Quote:
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And not even a like from you
How about a thanks and a like? I was on my phone. Otherwise I would have sooner.
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Old 03-29-2020, 10:34 PM   #877
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Service Call View Post
And not even a like from you
How about a thanks and a like? I was on my phone. Otherwise I would have sooner.
I still can't figure out how to do a like from my phone. I don't see any options for it on a mobile viewer. Only if I go to desktop version but then it is very hard to view on the phone
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Old 03-30-2020, 07:24 AM   #878
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Quote:
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I still can't figure out how to do a like from my phone. I don't see any options for it on a mobile viewer. Only if I go to desktop version but then it is very hard to view on the phone

That’s weird, I have both buttons visible on my phone using Tapatalk
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Old 03-30-2020, 12:36 PM   #879
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Quote:
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That’s weird, I have both buttons visible on my phone using Tapatalk
Thanks I didn't know about tapTalk. I just downloaded it and it works. I was just using the phone's mobile browser before

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk
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Old 03-30-2020, 12:41 PM   #880
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Joke of the Day-2874f933-c53f-40be-87f2-49ad9007902b.jpeg
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