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Old 03-30-2020, 12:46 PM   #881
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Originally Posted by Service Call View Post
That’s weird, I have both buttons visible on my phone using Tapatalk
I think the difference is using the Tapatalk app and just using the mobile view in your phone's browser (safari, chrome, or ??).
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Old 03-30-2020, 12:50 PM   #882
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Quote:
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I still can't figure out how to do a like from my phone. I don't see any options for it on a mobile viewer. Only if I go to desktop version but then it is very hard to view on the phone
Quote:
Originally Posted by MotoGP1199 View Post
Thanks I didn't know about tapTalk. I just downloaded it and it works. I was just using the phone's mobile browser before
Yes, it is hard to work the full version on a phone. But possible. I have been using the mobile version. I had Tapatalk some years ago and quit using it for some reason.
Maybe I should try again.
There is little control on the mobile viewer.

99% of my post are from this desktop. I like it much better.
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Old 03-31-2020, 01:10 PM   #883
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From the flight deck...well, not exactly.

Joke of the Day-96a6007b-d7b4-401e-821b-2fcaf2ad4fbe.jpeg
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Old 03-31-2020, 08:18 PM   #884
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She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her five year old daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mom, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their doctor bags, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last guest was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and exhausted sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mom...

"Mommy, why didn't that guy that ran over Spot stop?"
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Old 03-31-2020, 08:30 PM   #885
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From the flight deck...well, not exactly.

Attachment 142244
Now we know what they mean by "fly by wire".
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Old 04-16-2020, 03:37 PM   #886
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Just for Mike

Two frequent posters in /r/conspiracy die and arrive in Heaven. God gives them the opportunity to ask any question they want that they're curious about.

The first man asks God, "Who was behind the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks?"

God replies, "It was a plot by radical Islamist terrorists from the Middle East, assisted by Al Qaeda and to a certain extent, the Taliban."

The man who asked the question turns to the other man and whispers, "Dude... this goes way higher than I thought."
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Old 04-19-2020, 02:09 AM   #887
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I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-250 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel and smell."

The salesman (a handsome, big black man wearing an Obama "change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your azz year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. The guy had no sense of humor.





An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table, a horseshoe court, some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked... '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

Old men can still think fast.






Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.



As luck would have it, his Labrador, Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.



Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.

"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.



"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.



"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."






Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' (by Bill Clinton).

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
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Old 04-19-2020, 08:13 AM   #888
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Police said several police cars rushed to an apartment in the northern suburb of Wollstonecraf after a number of reports early Sunday morning over a woman screaming hysterically, a man yelling “I’m going to kill you,” “You’re dead,” and “Die, die!”, along with furniture being thrown around the home.

After arriving at the scene, police said a man police described as “out-of-breath and rather flushed” answered the door. The entire exchange was documented on the local police force’s Facebook page.

Police

Police: “Where’s your wife?”

Male: “Umm, I don’t have one.”

Police: “Where’s your girlfriend?”

Male: “Umm, I don’t have one.”

Police: “We had a report of a domestic, and a woman screaming. Where is she?”

Male: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I live alone.”

Police: “Come on mate, people clearly heard you yelling you were going to kill her and furniture getting thrown around the unit.”

Police said at this point, the man became “very sheepish.”

Police: “Come on mate, what have you done to her.”

Male: “It was a spider.”

Police: “Sorry?”

Male: “It was a spider, a really big one!”

Police: “What about the woman screaming?”

Male: “Yeah sorry, that was me. I really, really hate spiders.”

Police said the man was chasing the “rather large” spider around the unit with a can of bug spray.

“After a very long pause, some laughter and a quick look in the unit to make sure there was no injured party (apart from the spider) we left,” police wrote on the Facebook post.



retirement fun.....


Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart.
> There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest
> retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the
> "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always
> feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this
> establishment.
>
> But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
>
> While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably
> in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
>
> "No," I replied.
>
> "Then why are you wearing that cap?"
>
> "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
>
> I thought this was a snappy retort.
>
> "The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
>
> God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936,"
> I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
>
> He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call
> it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
>
> "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
>
> This was beginning to be way too much fun!
>
> "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.
>
> "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
>
> I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and
> in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the
> mission."
>
> "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that
> is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
>
> "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
>
> The moron nodded knowingly.
>
> "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone
> about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said
> anything."
>
> "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's
> gonna happen if I do?"
>
> With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We
> wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
>
> The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the
> door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart
> attack, she was
> laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
>
> After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw the Dimwit
> leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight
> of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
>
> Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you'
> gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of
> the parking lot in
> a flurry of dust.
>
> What a great time I had!
>
> Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
>
> Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol
> hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
>
> Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
>
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Old 04-19-2020, 11:18 PM   #889
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Subject: Emergency



A bad day only lasts 24 hours.

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.


After some cajoling, the president's.assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.”, begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary”, replied President Trump.





Paddy has had a few too many Guinness and needs to get up from the bar and head for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“Paddy, what’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“Paddy, you idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”





Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

---------------------------------------------------------------

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her That's the lady I stole the purse from."

------------------------------------------------

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

---------------------------

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. Remember... They walk among us and they can reproduce and, they VOTE
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Old 04-20-2020, 03:24 AM   #890
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Did you know that the CDC has a procedure for dealing with ZOMBIES? I had never believed in ZOMBIES, but then I realized that ZOMBIES are absolutely real, they self identify as DEMOCRATS. Better arm up!
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Old 04-23-2020, 03:04 AM   #891
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From another forum.




"Take your eyes of the ladies t*ts and concentrate on the food on the fat germans plate at 3:05" A unedited quote from the post I took the link from.





A different take on well known songs.
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Old 04-23-2020, 10:21 AM   #892
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Originally Posted by Norcal View Post
From another forum.



A different take on well known songs.
Not funny but I really like this cover that is drastically different from the original.

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Old 04-29-2020, 08:02 PM   #893
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TOOLS EXPLAINED:
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shoot.”
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
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Old 05-02-2020, 11:52 PM   #894
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day...... I'm outta here.





This morning. while I was down in my downstairs office, wife called down and asks:

"Do you ever get a stabbing pain in your neck like some one is sticking a pin in a Voodoo doll?"

I reply: "No I feel fine!" "Why?"

She next called down saying: "How about now?"







Re: Funny stuff.

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.’

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now.'
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Old 05-12-2020, 04:56 PM   #895
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After the last snowstorm the president looked out of his bedroom window and saw “DONALD IS THE BIGGEST JERK” written in yellow in the fresh snow. Naturally, he was upset and called the heads of the CIA, NSA, and FBI into the Oval Office.



“I want to know who did this and I want them locked up” he yelled.


An hour later the head of the FBI came back and said “We found the culprits, sir. We have good news and bad news, sir.”


“Out with it!” he yelled.


“Well sir, we analyzed the yellow lettering and it turns out to be the urine of all of the male members of the House of Representatives.”


“Those bastards! I’ll get even with them! Now what’s the good news?”


“That WAS the good news, sir.” The FBI said. “The bad news is that it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
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